Introduction“I know the plans that I have for you – plans to give you a hope and a destiny.” Jeremiah 29:11 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13 I’ve seen the consequences of HIV: beautiful babies crying in their cots with no one to comfort them. I know that God loves orphans and I have often wondered how he would want his Church to respond to the HIV epidemic. (750 000 orphans in KwaZulu Natal over the next eight years.) Adoption is one way. This is definitely not a complete manual. I put it together after talking to people who have fostered/adopted. (Where I could, I tried to put their comments in inverted comma’s and their stories in boxes.) I read a bit and I spoke to social workers. I was interested in the difficulties of cross-cultural adoption, looking after HIV positive children and the issues prospective adoptive parents should think through. Although I have concentrated largely on adoption, foster care could be appropriate for some children. Many of the issues, as well as the screening process, are related. In deciding about adopting or fostering, you’ll probably find it most useful to speak to people who have done it or are doing it and to read a lot around the subject; experiences differ. Speak to God who knows you and your family best. He loves you and He loves the fatherless. Tappie Cairns Medical Doctor April 2002
The Service Provided by Ikhaya LikaBaba
“to look after orphans…. in their distress” James 1:27 iKhaya LIkaBaba is a voluntary association, and is accountable to Thandaza Covenant Church, although acting as a separate legal and financial entity. The management team of iKhaya LikaBaba believes that the best family for a child would be a family who loves and serves God. iKhaya LikaBaba hopes to assist in the process of integrating orphaned or abandoned children into family environments through reintegrating them into their own families or communities of origin or into suitable foster/adoptive families. In November 2007 a Transition Home for children (new born up to three-years old), was opened in Empangeni. The idea is to have up to six children at a time, loved and looked after in a home environment while suitable homes are found for them and placements are arranged. Although most of the parents of babies in the transition home would have been HIV positive, the children themselves are not necessarily infected. Adequate and accurate testing (PCR test if necessary ) is done so that their HIV status is certain before they are adopted. People who are just starting to think about the possibility of adopting are invited to visit the children at the transition home. They can also be put into contact with couples who have adopted. Adopting a child into your family is a huge step fraught with possible difficulties - even more so when it is cross-cultural or if the child is HIV positive. iKhaya LikaBaba is committed to seeing children placed in the most suitable families and to make sure that families have thought through the issues and are well prepared for the consequences of adoption. iKhaya LikaBaba works closely with the Christian Social Services (CSS) and Empangeni Child Welfare who place children in the care of iKhaya LikaBaba once it is clear that they are in need of fostering/adoption. The CSS has been registered to do adoption work and will assist to counsel, screen and prepare people who are interested in adopting/fostering any of the children in the transition home. The CSS will also manage all the legal aspects and provide support after placement. Fostering Or Adopting?
“Never marry fostering and adoption” Fostering and adoption are related in many ways. They also differ significantly. What is best for the child, is the most important consideration. In this chapter we will look at each and compare the advantages and disadvantages. What is fostering? Foster care is a legal arrangement which provides substitute family care for a child whose parents are no longer around or who are no longer able to give the necessary care for the child (because of medical, emotional or social problems) Foster care should be a temporary arrangement. Social workers should arrange permanent placement for a child within two years. Legally the relevant court order is valid for only two years – when it lapses, it effectively restores the child to the custody of his/her parents unless extended for a further two years. Permanent placement ensures that a child’s need for stability and belonging is met. The first and most important option would be to return a child to his/her parents or family. Other options are adoption or long-term care at a Children’s Home. In an older child, long-term foster care (until he/she is 18 years old) might be considered. Foster parents are screened by social workers. Foster parents are supervised by a social worker. They are also entitled to continued assistance and support. Advantages of fostering * Government grant (R740/mnth in 2007) * No school fees in government schools * Social worker involved – safety net if foster parents are not coping * Provides a safe temporary environment for a child, if the possibility of being re-united with his family, exists Disadvantages of fostering * Insecurity for foster parents – the child does not legally belong to them * Insecurity for child - unsure of his status in the family * Complex arrangements around parental consent, for example, consent for surgical procedures Despite the insecurity around fostering, some parents prefer to foster because of the financial help available (see Bernice’s story). This is a strong consideration, especially where children are HIV positive and medical care is expensive. Because of their shortened life span and different needs, security might not be the first priority. What is Adoption? Adoption is a way of providing a child with new legal parents. It ends the legal relationship between the child and the birthparents and establishes a new one with the adoptive parents. Adoptive parents are granted full parental rights as if the child was born to them during the existence of a lawful marriage. Adoptive parents are screened. After officially adopting a child, the responsibility of the social worker towards the adoptive parents ends. Advantages of adoption * SECURITY for adoptive parents and the child. Disadvantages of adoption * No government grant at present * Social worker has no obligation to support adoptive parents after adoption * No getting out of it, if it “does not work” Why Adopt?
Adoption is the wonderful privilege of being entrusted with the body, spirit and soul of a child you have not brought into the world. It is also a lifelong commitment to a child whose genetic, intellectual and emotional make up you may not know at the time of making the decision. You have to really want to do it and really believe that it is the right thing for your family. Are you likely to view your role as adoptive parent inferior or second rate compared with that of biological parents? Motives for adopting Godly response to the need “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…” Ps. 68: 5-6 We know that God loves the fatherless (Ps. 10:14, Ps. 82:3, Job 29:12-17, Hos.14:3, Job 31:16-18). In the Old Testament God commands Israel to make provision for the fatherless. He promises to bless those who do (Deut.14: 29, Deut.24:19, Deut.26:12-19). This command is repeated in the New Testament (James 1:17). The question is not whether we should look after orphans, but rather how we should do it. Adoption is one way of caring for orphans. Feeling pity, feeling responsible for a child or feeling guilty about the past are probably not good reasons to adopt. Adoption is not for everyone who wishes to help. (In fact: many adoption agencies view “altruistic reasons” for wanting to adopt, with suspicion. They argue that you need a few selfish reasons to bring balance, to add some realism to your idealistic desire to help.) Adoption is for those who are ready to make a lifelong commitment to provide love and stability unconditionally. You have to be very realistic and practical – can you offer that? God clearly speaks through scripture. He also speaks through other Christians, through moving our hearts to compassion, through deep, certain convictions. He wants to use our desires (even unfulfilled desires for children), our talents, our experiences (good or bad), our finances and our time for His purposes. Sometimes we know immediately what we should do. Sometimes we have to pray, fast, do research, reason with ourselves and speak to other Christians before His will is clear. All the people I spoke to, simply love children. Some “just always knew” that they wanted to adopt or foster, some were lead by circumstances, some “just felt called”. Practical Motives Some parents simply feel that they have the time, love, energy, space and finance for another child in their home. Perhaps they have always wanted a big family, but knowing the need, would rather adopt than add to their family by birth. “Noxolo and her husband love children. They already have a big family, but are thinking of adopting another child. At the moment they are the parents of seven children; two from her husband’s previous relationship, one biological, one adopted child and “two others”. Noxolo gets on well with all of them. Their adopted daughter’s father is Noxolo’s brother-in-law. Her mother passed away when she was very young. To keep contact with her “roots”, the little girl occasionally sees her grandmother. To prove the point that cultural issues arise even in same-race adoptions, Noxolo, who is a Christian, relates the following: Once after returning from a visit, she was concerned to see that the grandmother had visited a traditional healer and had tied some strings around the child’s stomach. Not wanting to condemn the grandmother, she discussed it with the little girl who said: ”I don’t think Jesus will like it.” Together they decided to remove it.” Initially Noxolo felt hurt by the attitude of her church to adoption; she even left the church for a short while. Today they are back and serving God. People often ask Noxolo how she could possibly love an adopted child as her own. She says : “It is absolutely amazing; it comes naturally. After all, as Christians we have all been adopted by God.” (Eph 1:5)” Inability to have children Many couples would make wonderful parents, but will never have children unless a miracle happens. For many people the search for this miracle is a long and lonely road as they seek answers from one another, from doctors and from God. Sometimes these prayers are answered through adoption. “Zandile comes from a traditional Zulu community in rural Northern Natal. She had one child before she married. After trying for many years, she and her husband realized that they would never have children. She discussed the possibility of adoption with her husband and he agreed. Together they decided that they wanted a baby girl; they were concerned that a son would grow up to be unruly and that this would cause them heartache. Zandile approached the hospital social worker after hearing from a relative who was working as a cleaner in the hospital, that an abandoned baby girl had been admitted to the children’s ward. There was great happiness when she brought the thin and neglected baby home. Her husband was delighted. “Of course”, she says, “ We slaughtered a goat. It is the African way.” For Zandile and her husband, it was not important to know to which clan or family Zodwa’s parents belong. Only a few of Zandile’s relatives know that Zodwa is adopted. They do not speak about it often. Zandile feels that her child should know that she is adopted because it can lead to anger and resentment if she finds out later in life. She would readily answer any questions if Zodwa should ask. Asked about white people adopting black children Zandile says: “ There must be some business going in Hillcrest, so many people are doing it”. She feels that language is important but that love and being looked after is more important.” Zandile is living with Zodwa in Hillcrest where she works as a domestic worker. Zodwa is eight and happy at school in Hillcrest. She loves going back to Ubombo to see her adoptive family. She seems to have no difficulty moving between the traditional rural and westernized world. “The story of the adoption of our son, is one which we love to recount, as we’ve seen the hand of God move mightily in the provision of our precious son.“
After six years of marriage and many attempts to have fertility treatment, Jonathan and I had to face up to the fact that without God’s miraculous hand in our lives, we would never have children. I think that at the time, the most agonizing aspect for us was to come before God, crying out for break through in this area – knowing and seeing in other’s lives that our Heavenly Father can do absolutely anything, whilst still trying to be obedient and to hear His individual word for us. Accepting adoption as God’s perfect plan for our lives took another two years as we firstly witnessed it in the lives of others, and secondly came before our Heavenly Father to discover that adoption was not second best. All I can say is that initially, I was full of apprehension about bonding, rejection and the road into the unknown, but was reminded continually that we walk by faith, not by sight. In contrast, Jonathan had complete peace. We were guided to consider ourselves to be spiritually pregnant and to pray for our, yet undiscovered, child in the womb. The day Bradley was born his birth mother shared with us that she made an appointment to have an abortion, but when the day came, she felt that she could not go through with it. We are eternally grateful for her brave decision. So Bradley’s life was spared and we were given the most incredible gift of our most beautiful son just over three years ago.” More about Gillian and Jonathan: They found the screening process by the private adoption agency quite stressful. “You feel absolutely naked and scrutinized.” Through the screening process they did, however, gain useful insights into their lives and marriage. ”They had to deal with their feelings of vulnerability about not having any experience with children and a fear that they would have difficulty bonding with the baby of a stranger. After a long wait, their baby was in their arms. They found that bonding came naturally. The trying sixty days in which the biological mother could change her mind after signing consent for adoption was difficult but fortunately passed without event. Circumstances Occasionally families are unexpectedly confronted with a child in need. Sometimes they respond by adopting. “Emma was born prematurely in a small rural hospital in Northern Natal. Her mother died shortly after her birth. As there was nobody to care for her, she was left at the hospital. She cried continuously. Kees, who is a doctor at the hospital came home one day and asked his wife to go and have a look at the baby. Maryna brought the baby home. Fortunately she was still breast feeding their second child and she went on to do the same for Emma. Emma did not stop crying. Eventually Maryna slept in a different room with Emma so that Kees would not be so tired the next day. Maryna says that a bond was formed between her and Emma as she held her night after night and promised not to leave her. Emma is seven years old now. She speaks English, Afrikaans and isiZulu. Kees and Maryna’s children attend a school with other children from the Zulu-speaking community, they live in.” Emma’s biological father lives in the area and they see him occasionally, although no close relationship between them exists. Personal experience Some people wish to adopt because of their own personal experience. Perhaps they have lost a family or grew up in a children’s home. Perhaps they had a sibling with a terminal illness and they feel they have much to offer an HIV positive child. Filling the gaps Some parents may want a “friend for my child”. Bear in mind that adoption agencies are not very keen on providing instant siblings for your children. They will look for other motives. In cases where parents have lost a child, social workers would like to know that they have dealt with the loss to a certain extent. An adopted child could never be expected to fulfil the hopes and the dreams that the parents had for their child who died. Who Can Adopt?
“Parents for a child are sought, rather than a child for parents.” Many different kinds of people are able to give children a loving and secure home. The proposed adoption must serve the best interests of the child concerned. Criteria * Marital status: Married for at least 2 years. * Single: Single parents can apply if they have a fixed place of abode, a stable income and a good support network * Citizenship: The applicant or the applicant’s spouse must be a South African Citizen and live in South Africa. International adoptions are possible through ABBA adoptions. * Children: People cannot adopt children of the same age – unless they are twins. It is preferable that applicants with their own children, apply for a child younger than their own children. Personal assessment
* Attitudes: are you tolerant, flexible, humble and loving? Can you laugh at yourself and easily ask for and accept help?
* Lifestyle: is there any aspect of your life that you have to maintain which is likely to come under threat if you have a child to care for? * Your support network: Would your family and friends support your decision to adopt? If something were to happen to you would any of them take over responsibility for your child? * Expectations: Children who are available for adoption, are in many cases from poor circumstances. The biological mother might have been ill, malnourished or might have abused substances during her pregnancy. The child may have been traumatised in his/her early childhood. The possibility of developing learning, behavioural or emotional problems is there. Can you love a child for who they are? The Process of Adopting
People embarking on the process of adopting (the same is true for fostering), should be aware that a stressful time is ahead of them. It is a slow process that will involve visits to various offices and demand the sacrifice of time and energy.
If you are considering adoption, it is advisable to start the process early. The paperwork is daunting and time is needed to build a relationship with the social worker because social workers have to make sure that only suitable people are allowed to adopt. Many couples feel very vulnerable as they submit to intensive questioning, often on the most intimate details of their lives. They also have to live with the stress of waiting for approval and legal documents to come through. Many people have found that they have gained new insights into their lives and marriages through the screening process. Others have realised that adoption is not for them. “If the child is in your care, have a fostering attitude until you have the papers in your hand.” Things do not always work out as they should. Things can go wrong; perhaps the mother changes her mind or there is a legal hiccup… What is screening? Screening is a preparation, selection and matching process. It ensures that a family and a child can cope with one another and benefit from each other. You will have to submit the following: (examples available at iKhaya LikaBaba) * Medical certificate from a doctor * Application forms * References from two different sources; could be from a friend, your employer, church leader etc. During interviews and home visits the social worker will pay attention to the following details: * Background of parents, marriage relationship, living and work situation * Relationship with children * Income, Are you responsible with your income and debt * Housing – are there enough rooms in the house? Are they accessible to schools/shops? Safety of the environment * Socio-cultural: friendly with neighbours? Do you have friends? Are you involved in other activities? * Motives – do not be afraid to be honest. The social worker will appreciate it if your realism shows that you have thought through issues. * Psycho-social assessment by CSS or psychologist including: personality, behaviour, mood * Attitudes towards social issues such as mixed race, illegitimacy, prostitution, HIV, child abuse * Attitudes towards behavioural problems in children such as stealing, bed wetting, learning problems, hyperactivity What about HIV tests? Potential parents: at present they are not tested for HIV, but any chronic illness could negatively influence their application to adopt. Babies at iKhaya LikaBaba: will always have HIV tests and in all cases their HIV status will be made known to potential parents before they decide to adopt. (see p29) Matching: Are we allowed to choose? Your preferences as to the age, sex and race of the child is important. It is better to wait for a suitable baby for your specific situation, than to take a child out of desperation or because you are feeling guilty. Perhaps you would prefer a healthy baby, because you are working full-time or could not cope with losing a child. Perhaps you would prefer a newborn baby. Some people are willing to wait for babies from the same race as themselves, because they want their children to feel loved and accepted by their whole family or they feel that they would not be able to cope with cross-cultural issues. Requests for children who are older or who have special needs are not common, but there are people who have a lot to offer these children and are willing to help them develop their full potential. How can we prepare for adoption? The CSS and iKhaya LikaBaba are committed to empower adoptive parents to raise happy, well -balanced children: * Through individual counselling by social worker * Through group meetings with other couples wanting to adopt * Through being brought into contact with families who have adopted * Short course in cross cultural adoption – where applicable * Courses from “Growing Families International” are optional and are presented by one of the social workers from CSS. On-going support Once a child has been legally adopted, the legal responsibility of the social worker towards the family ends. It is important to have support in the form of family, friends and a church community. It is also important to seek help early if there are any problems. The CSS is happy to do counselling or to refer if necessary. Support groups can be very beneficial. Adoptive parents share worries and experiences. Children, as they mix with others like themselves, find that it is not strange or abnormal to be adopted. Support groups work best where there is good leadership. “Cindy lost contact with her Hindu family, when she married Paul, who was Catholic. They adopted Duane when he was nine months old. Duane’s biological father is a relative of Paul’s. His mother was a Zulu woman, who died when he was two months old. He was living with a grandmother in Umlazi, under extremely poor circumstances, when Cindy and Paul heard about him for the first time. With in a week, with out meeting him and with out ever considering adoption before, they decided to adopt Duane. Cindy has started putting together a scrap book for Duane. They have kept his Zulu name as a second name. They also keep contact with his grandmother. One day Cindy would like to take him to Northern Natal to show him where he was born.” Cindy is concerned that her older daughters do not want to play with Duane. Some times she finds him sitting alone in a corner, with a very sad expression on his face. This breaks her heart. Cindy says that she would definitely benefit from joining a support group. She does not know what is normal for a child like Duane and she worries about it. Unfortunately now, two years after adopting, Cindy and Paul are getting divorced. How much will it cost us? The CSS makes use of a sliding scale, to calculate cost, according to the income of a family. It can cost between R50 and R1400. What do we call him/her? Choosing a name, gives adoptive parents a sense that the child truly belongs to them. On the other hand they might decide to keep the original name, to keep contact with the child’s past. Keeping the original name as a second name would serve the same purpose. “The Zulu name of our adopted son, means the Lord is here. The police officer who found him gave him the name after his mother had left him in a drain. When he asks, we will tell him how he got his name. We also have the contact details for the police officer so that he can meet him one day.” Family and Friends
“Muzi came into my life on the first of August 2001. He was born on Freedom Day, April 27th, approximately three months premature; his mother only lived for about three weeks after he was born. His father never came to claim him and his ageing grandmother said she couldn’t take care of him. I decided to take him when he was three months old and still barely normal birthweight. Adopting a needy child has been on my agenda for as long as I can remember. It’s something I’ve always known I will do. A few months before I knew about Muzi, I had had long discussions with my parents about adopting a child. My father had tried to persuade me to wait until I was at least 40. But being single and having longed to be a mother for quite a few years, it felt as if Muzi was destined for me. The fact that my immediate family has known about my thoughts on adoption I think helped them to embrace the whole experience quite quickly. My parents and sister have been amazingly supportive and adoring of their first grandson and nephew respectively. My grandmother too. It has been interesting though, seeing where latent racism lies in the extended family: and uncle and a great uncle have made racist or negative remarks (to my parents) which upset them and made me feel uncomfortable seeing them with Muzi initially. I am sure though that with time these attitudes will soften. If they don’t it doesn’t really matter as I only see them once a year. Living in a rural area of KwaZulu has made the whole experience very much easier than if I was in a city. Firstly, Muzi will grow up speaking Zulu and English. Primrose Dlamini who looks after Muzi while I am at work, speaks only Zulu to him. All his peers will also speak Zulu. I speak English to him. Secondly, I have all the support I could wish for: this is a very child friendly place and my neighbours are only a stone’s throw away. An extra pair of hands is always nearby! The wider community has been very supportive in their “approval” of this step. Motherhood has brought me so so much joy, it is difficult to describe it in words. The difficulty in taking Muzi has been in the very slow progress made on any formalizing of my role as a caregiver. Up until now I am still living illegally with him: the Welfare Department has taken a long time trying to track down the father to notify him of proceedings. We will finally go to court this coming Monday where I hope to be made his legal foster mother. Adoption, it seems, is still a long way down the road. Small fears always lurk that his up to now absent father may appear and want to take him, or that his grandmother may change her mind when she sees him one day. Another difficulty will be for Muzi growing up where he was “abandoned” by his wider family. His story is common knowledge and I will need to be the first to tell him. I would like to know more about how to go about this. ”Sometimes I panic at the enormity of raising a child alone. The emotional, financial and spiritual load I will have to carry alone. And yet it feels very often like I have a whole community on my side helping me. Just before I took Muzi, I read a wonderful children’s story written by a woman who spent a long time working in Benin. It is based on an old African saying: “it takes a village to raise a child”. That story helped give me the confidence to take this step alone - but not alone. Adoption will not only affect your close family unit, but it will also affect your parents, your relatives and your friends. Various issues came up in my conversations with people. Spouses * It is very important that both of you are ready to adopt. * Infertility can cause a lot of pain in a marriage. Do both of you agree that it is the will of God that you adopt a child? * Do you view your spouse as being more important than your children? Children find deep security in the fact that their parents enjoy one another’s company, that they make time every day for each other and that they are demonstrative in their love. (The social worker from CSS says she has seldom seen behavioural problems in families where this relationship exists.) Children * If you have biological children of your own, it is preferable that you adopt a younger child. Adopting an older child can disrupt the existing “pecking order” in the family. An oldest child suddenly becomes a middle or youngest child and feels confused. * If possible, involve children in the decisions around adoption. * Your own children may respond to the change in the family by regressing in their development, e.g. a child may start wetting the bed or start using “baby language” again. Single mothers “The fact that I am a single mother has been the hardest thing for both me and my sons. It certainly outweighs the cross-cultural issues by far.” * A child, with both parents present, finds security in seeing them spend time together. Your child will find security in the fact that you have a strong relationship with God and that you prioritise time with Him. * After the age of six, it is crucial for a child to have a male figure in his/her life. Perhaps you will have to adjust your life so that he/she can regularly spend time with a grandfather, uncle or friend who he/she can look up to. * Support: All mothers struggle to cope at times; do not feel guilty if you cannot cope. You might have to learn to ask for help if you need a break. * If this is your first child, you’ll find it useful to read books on parenting so that you can know what is normal and what is not. Family, friends and church “ I get so cross when people ask me which of the children are my own. All of them are my own children. All of them are real.” – mother of two biological and two adopted children. * What does your family think of your plans to adopt? A grandfather, for example, might be struggling to deal with the fact that the son that will be carrying his name or be the heir, is not actually biologically related to him. * Would any of your family members be willing to take over care of the child, should anything happen to you? * If it is your first child, your insecurities about child rearing and the fact that you had not actually produced the child, could be made worse by tactless relatives eager to offer advice. * Be aware that family and friends (even church friends) may make insensitive comments without realising it. For example, a couple who had come to terms with the fact that adoption is the will of God for their lives were told: “Infertile couples always have their own child after they have adopted. Just relax.” * Christians with a different vision or ministry may at first not understand or appreciate your motives for adopting. “The first follow-up study of “transracial placements… revealed that the children greatly benefited from being part of a family” – Francesca Ledderborge, researcher and social worker at Durban Children’s Society. “ Liz is white and single. She grew up in a children’s home and felt that she wanted to “give something back”. About ten years ago she started visiting an abandoned baby in the hospital and occasionally took him home over weekends. Initially she was not planning to adopt. One day the hospital social worker left her a message asking her what her plans with the baby were – because there were people who were interested in adopting him. Her first instinct was to say; ”No, he’s mine.” She then adopted him and a few years later, she adopted her second son. For Liz it was of utmost importance that her children were integrated in the black community from an early age. In the mornings, she drove her children to a creche in a nearby township. While the children were still young, they moved to a rural part of Northern Natal. It was ideal for the children. Living close to the Zulu community there, her children learnt to speak Zulu fluently and to dance properly. (“Can you imagine having to cart your children to Zulu Dancing lessons in the city?”) It has not been easy for Liz. Her children miss a father figure. Also: the issues around cross cultural adoption are very real. Her one child used to say: “Mommy, I want to be white like you.” Occasionally her children hear: “You think you are better than us, because your mother is white.” Liz has had to learn to “be conspicuous and to live my life on a stage. People stare at you and they wonder about you.” They often get negative remarks. Because of this her children are constantly confronted with the fact that they are adopted. “They cannot even go on a picnic with you, without being adopted.” She has found that it helps to be totally upfront about issues. ”Liz feels that, in some ways she is waging a racial war. Before adopting cross-culturally: “You should have decided your views on society, where you fit in and with whom you feel socially comfortable”. “You cannot adopt simply to be nice to a child; you have to want to do it for yourself.” Liz attended a few support group meetings, but families who were alienating their adopted children from the black community, made her hackles rise. She has gained a lot from reading widely on the subject. The situation in South Africa The Child Care Act was amended in 1991 to allow for cross-cultural adoptions. It has always been a controversial subject. Cross-cultural adoptions have received very bad press in western countries. The South African situation, however, is very different: * Black people are in the majority here, there is therefore less of a chance for a child to grow up feeling like the “odd one out”; especially as multi-cultural friendships and societies become more of a reality. * It is easier for a child to explore and keep contact with his/her roots in his/her own country. * The HIV epidemic certainly warrants a pragmatic approach to the problem of orphans. Of course many of the concerns around cross-cultural adoptions are warranted. Where possible, same-culture placements for children must be sought. Research on cross-cultural adoptions Although much has been written around the political aspects of cross-cultural adoption in South Africa, very little literature is available on dealing with the parenting problems or to prove that it “works”. Recently Francesca Ledderborge, a social worker at the Durban Children’s Society, did a follow up study of 100 families who had adopted cross-culturally. She has had contact with some of the families for more than ten years. Conclusions of the study * That the children benefited from placement in loving homes. * Only 5% of the families had serious problems six years after the first study. * A very large percentage of children had special needs (see below). This could be the reason why they were available for adoption in the first place. Characteristics of the children: * 73% had been abandoned * 10% had been left with a person known to the mother * 30% had special needs e.g. were on chronic medication for physical problems (epilepsy or heart conditions), had emotional or behavioural problems or had delayed or poor mental development. Characteristics of the adoptive parents: * 85% were white * 68% married * 51% had natural children * 30% adopted more than one child cross culturally Attitudes of the adoptive parents: * Love of children * Openness to people and surprises * Adaptability Parental needs that were identified: * To meet the birthmother or relatives if available * Thorough preparation prior to receiving a child * Need for help around telling the child about his/her adoption; tailored around the child’s developmental stage * Need for help around the formation of the child’s own ethnic identity * Need for contact with families similar to their own (to help children see their situation as normal). Concerns held by the researcher after completing the study: * 10% of interviewees did not acknowledge differences * 20% played down the importance of ethnic identity Considerations around cross-cultural adoption “We decided to adopt a child of the same race as ours, because we wanted our child to feel accepted by the whole family” As a Family: * Do you appreciate the consequences of becoming a multi-cultural family? * Do you have open communication across generations? * Do you involve your children in your decision-making? Remember that your children will be affected by being part of a family that is “different”. * Do you have an understanding of and empathy for trans-racial issues, special needs and abandonment? * Are you able to let go e.g. of friends, ways of life, prejudices? * Do you respect other cultures and are you willing to learn from them? * What would you think of meeting your child’s biological family if they were available? What relationship would you like them to have with your family? As a Caregiver: * Do you love children? Can you love unconditionally? * Do you want to help a child out of compassion, rather than pity or feelings of guilt? * Are you open, sensitive and flexible? * Do you love variety and change? * Are you able to sit back, relax and enjoy life? What are your circumstances? * Have you got stable relationships? (spouse, family) * Are you equally qualified for a same-race placement? * Have you got competent role models from various cultures for your children? * Have you got a wide, open support system? * Have you got a receptive residential community? * Should your child need special care (for learning, emotional or medical problems), have you got the finances for it? The role of the adoptive parent From an early age, the parent should be actively involved in helping the child to accept himself/ herself as he/she is. (This would also mean that parents have realistic expectations for their children.) Open and direct lines of communication should be developed in the family. The child’s feelings should be accepted unconditionally. Without trying to give solutions, parents should try and understand the child’s reality. Differences should be acknowledged and maximised. They should be portrayed as bringing variety and as being beautiful. Parents should help the child to understand and value his/her own cultural heritage and provide exposure to it. A parent could, where possible, give a child the appropriate name for his or her cultural category and help gather information about his background. Learning the language could be important, but there should be no pressure placed on the child. It is valuable to build relationships with persons of similar cultural backgrounds and to build up a multi-cultural family milieu. This would be easier if the family is living in a multi-cultural neighbourhood – this is not always possible, though. There is a difference between the terms: culture, race and ethnicity. Ethnic identity becomes an issue during the teenage years. The teenager needs to know about his roots and needs to find competent role models from the same ethnic background. Please see appendix I .The article deals very well with this topic. Please also see Chapter 10 for issues around abandonment. “Debbie and Phil are both white. They started the process to adopt shortly after the birth of their second child. “We just always wanted a big family.“ Their one prerequisite was that they wanted healthy babies because both of them work full-time. The other was that the child should be abandoned – Debbie felt that issues around the biological family could be difficult. They have adopted two black children and also foster two older black children. At home, they often talk about race and identity. And they laugh a lot. They would be watching television as a family and someone will ask: “what makes a person black?” Everybody loudly and confidently shares their own opinion on the subject. Depending on their age one child might say “it’s in your soul”, another: “it’s in the colour of your skin” and another: “it depends on the food you eat”. Debbie feels that it is very important to have black role models for their children. Eighty percent of their friends are black. Her children speak isiZulu and attend government schools, where they make friends with and learn to relate to children from various cultural and economic backgrounds. They live in a fairly “mixed” neighbourhood. ” For their family, the support groups were much fun. It helped with the practical things. ”You will never imagine how important it is to know how to braid your child’s hair!” How cross-cultural adoption changes the family * Beliefs and values change as family members confront their own prejudices. Some basic beliefs might become more important. * Relationships definitely change. Some people make new friends; others lose friends and family members. Most initial disagreements are, however, overcome in the first year. * Adoptive parents and their families find that they develop empathy for people from different races. * Interests change and leisure time is spent differently. “I am having fun, constantly being exposed to new things: at the moment it is soccer and isicathamiya.” “The call of God. The strength from God.” “When she was a small girl Charlene often thought that she would like to adopt children when she grew up. She was specifically thinking of black babies. When she later met Shaun and they decided to get married, she brought the subject up, but he refused. Charlene soon became pregnant, but the baby died at birth. This was the turning point in their lives. Charlene fell into a deep depression and in desperation they started going to church, where both of them got saved. After years of trying and many visits to doctors, they realized that the chances were slim for them to have children. They attended a meeting where Dudley Daniel shared a prophetic dream about a world where there were no orphans. Shaun decided that he was ready to adopt. To test his commitment Charlene asked him to do all the visits to the Durban Child Welfare and to make all the arrangements for adoption. Very soon they heard that a nine week old baby was available. His mother had died a week earlier. The decision was made to foster Lloyd with the view to adopt. They had documents to prove that he was HIV negative, although he was attending the Special Baby Clinic at Addington hospital. On the advice of a friend they returned to the Special Clinic, where two weeks later they found out that Lloyd actually was HIV positive and was already showing signs of it. When the Child Welfare heard about this, they wanted to take him back. A battle to keep him started and eventually they managed to adopt him. Lloyd was not sick all the time. At times he was happy, responsive and gaining weight. Other times they had to drop everything they were doing to rush off to hospital. They spent nights next to his cot in the hospital. Fortunately Charlene’s employer was very flexible and considerate and did not expect her to come to work after an exhausting night. Two months before his death Shaun and Charlene brought Lloyd home. He had been in hospital for six weeks and they realized that he was not going to get better. They wanted him to die at home. He was eleven months old when he passed away. Shaun and Charlene have two sons. Some time after they adopted a child, Charlene became pregnant and their youngest son was born. Charlene says looking after Lloyd was very rewarding. She knew that she was doing God’s work and the shared experience brought her closer to Shaun. She thinks that they might consider looking after an HIV positive child in future. At the moment, though, it would be difficult ; their two young children need all their attention. Shaun and Charlene have two sons. Some time after they adopted a child, Charlene became pregnant and their youngest son was born. ”Charlene says looking after Lloyd was very rewarding. She knew that she was doing God’s work and the shared experience brought her closer to Shaun. She thinks that they might consider looking after an HIV positive child in future. At the moment, though, it would be difficult ; their two young children need all their attention. The decision There are special people who are called to love these special children. It is a wonderful privilege and a humbling experience to be part of the short life of an HIV positive person. It will require from you to be able to love without expecting anything in return. You will have to know how to go to God for strength for each day. If you are wondering whether this is for you, you might find it useful to visit people who have looked after HIV positive children or to visit some of these children in a children’s home. (See list of contacts in Chapter ) Medical facts about HIV Roughly one third of babies born to HIV positive mothers, will become HIV positive themselves. Different HIV tests exist. The routine HIV test (ELIZA) looks for antibodies against HIV in blood. Babies up to the age of fifteen months may still have their mother’s antibodies in their blood and thus test positive, even though they may not actually be infected with the virus. The expensive PCR test, tests for the actual HIVirus in the blood and is reliable at any age. Babies in the care of iKhaya LikaBaba will have this test. People looking after children with HIV will not get infected, so long as they follow some basic rules of hygiene and common sense. HIV is not spread by sharing eating utensils or by hugging an HIV positive child. Blood and other body fluids should be handled with care. There are drugs available to treat (but not to cure) HIV. They are very expensive and involve regular blood tests and medical check ups. They do prolong life and help to improve the quality of life. They are not offered in government hospitals. HIV generally follows two patterns in children: * Rapid progression: children show signs of HIV before the age of one year. They become very ill quickly and die quite quickly. * Slow progression: children show signs of HIV after their first birthday. The disease progresses slower (children can even reach schoolgoing age and be well enough to go to school). Some common conditions in HIV are: failure to thrive, chronic diarrhoea, ear infections, persistent fever, enlarged glands all over the body, skin infections, thrush in the mouth, different chest infections (also TB), delayed development. Children can be helped to stay healthy and happy for longer by: * loving them and stimulating them * good nutrition * faithfully giving them prophylactic treatment (Bactrim prevents certain chest, skin and stomach infections) * treating infections early * making sure they get their immunisations. The joys People interviewed spoke about the joys of looking after HIV infected children * To offer unconditional love to a child who would never have known it if it where not for you. * To see a sick, malnourished child, flourish and improve because he is loved and cared for. * To see how children suffer without complaining and how small things make them happy. * To be brought closer as a family as you share the joy and sadness and as you get to know one another on a different level in this situation. * Doing God’s work and learning to love as He does. The issues “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:7
For further information: Appendix II: Caring for HIV positive children (information on hygiene, medications, nutrition etc.) The purpose of this chapter is to mention some of the fears prospective adoptive parents have. It is meant to provoke thought, not to provide clear and definite answers. Will I be able to bond with the child? “He feels exactly like my own child. In fact I wish that I had given birth to him.” “When you hold the baby in your arms for the first time, your fear disappears.” “ There is this pressure to feel in love with the baby all the time. But of course you get tired and frustrated at times – like all parents do.” In adopting older children, it is true that bonding becomes more difficult as the child gets older. Lack of secure relationships early in childhood can also be damaging for the child’s interpersonal relationships later in life. It is often difficult to find adoptive parents for older children, but there are special people who are willing to provide loving homes for older children. How do I tell my child that she is adopted? Most experts agree that a child should grow up thinking that she always knew that she was adopted. There are books available on this subject, which demonstrate creative ways to share the truth. The challenge is to help your child accept her past and if necessary, share her sadness. The key is to accept adoption yourself, before trying to help your child live with it. From an early age she should be made familiar with the word adoption - even if she does not understand the true meaning at the time. She must learn to associate the word with love, hugs, security and her parents being happy about it. Animal stories are good tools. Parents should answer questions honestly and simply as they come. Answer only the question asked – when your child is ready for the next question, she will ask. Constantly keep the channels of communication open. She should always know that you are comfortable with answering any of her questions. If the child does not ask questions, you will have to broach the subject. Some children are afraid that they might hurt their parent’s feelings by asking. Children never want to be different. Being adopted should not be over emphasised. What if my child has been abandoned by his mother? “Both my adopted children where abandoned by their mothers. They often say: ‘Esh, you know, I could have died.’ They have such a sense of destiny. It overshadows the fact that their mothers could not look after them, for whatever reason.” “Left to be found”, is the term that is often used. It is crucial for adoptive parents to understand how social and financial circumstances and cultural prohibitions can force a mother to leave her child to be found, and for them to have empathy with her situation. Children sometimes feel that it was their fault that their mothers could not or did not want to keep them. They might think that they were too naughty or too ugly. Once again, animal stories with happy endings, are good tools. Adoptive parents have to explain repeatedly as the child’s understanding grows. “I met Sipho for the first time when I was working in the Paediatric word of a government hospital. He was a beautiful one-year-old, with big brown eyes. He had been left in the ward. The contact details on his admission form were factitious. A few months later I heard that he had been adopted by one of the staff members, working in that ward. I was delighted. His new parents had lost a child a few years earlier. When his adoptive mom saw him for the first time, she was struck by his resemblance to her child who had died. She became more and more attached to him and when she took him home to visit, her daughters begged her to adopt him. Her husband agreed. When I started to collect information on adoption I decided to contact them again. I also had some photos of Sipho, which I thought might be helpful to him when he starts to explore the story of his early life. ”According to his mother, he is doing very well. He is integrated in the family and happy at school. I was concerned to hear that the family had decided not to tell him that he is adopted. They fear that it might lead to anger later on in his life. Abandonment becomes very important in the teenage years, when children need to know about their roots. It is normal for children to fantasise about their “real” parents. “Even minor information – such as the name of the person who found the baby – is seen as a treasure. In the absence of all information, significant adults of the young person’s ethnic background can be of great help and lessen the pain.” Here support groups could help a lot. Remember that it is the child’s story and that it is up to her to decide later what she wants to share and whom she wants to share it with. What about identity problems later? Children need to know where they came from and how it happened. They need contact with their origins. You could keep a scrapbook with photos or pictures relating to his early life. If his mother had died, you could try to find a photo of her. Pictures of the town or the hospital where he was born, could also be used. Perhaps you can keep contact with the hospital or staff at the children’s home where he stayed before and visit them when he is ready. A person’s self image is mostly created during childhood and depends on his family’s attitude towards him. Sometimes people who have hoped for a child for a long time, can have unrealistic ambitions for their child. If an adopted child is completely accepted by his adoptive parents for who he is (this does not mean accepting his behaviour!), then he should be free to develop his own capacities, to explore himself and to accept his own limitations without being diminished by it. As a child builds his own picture of himself on a realistic basis and find his own acceptable place in the scheme of things, information of his background should fall into place as being necessary, but not completely important. Being adopted should become only one aspect of his life. His strength comes from his present and real family. Here, helping him find his identity in God is also very important. When they want to find their real parents “Often when I watch him play, I feel terribly sad for his biological mother; she is missing out on so much.” At some stage in your child’s life she will probably want to trace her natural parents. This might be in the turbulent teenage years, or it may be triggered later in life e.g. when an adoptive parent dies, when she becomes a parent herself or when things go wrong. It seems that where adoptive parents have been totally open and honest about the adoption and have provided emotional security, the urge for a child to meet her natural parents, is less. Wanting to find the natural parents does not mean that the child is rejecting her adoptive parents, it only means that there is a blank part of her life, which she needs to fill in. Adopted children often fantasise about their “real mother”. Often, when they do eventually meet her, they feel very disillusioned. * Support your child in the search. You might not be able to protect her against what she will find, but you can be there for her when she needs it. * Professional counselling is advisable to work through motives and to prepare a person for a possible disappointing re-union. * Work through a third party – usually the agency that arranged the adoption. * Most experts agree that it is best to wait for a person to become emotionally mature, before she meets the biological parent/s (so that the meeting happens on an adult-to-adult basis, rather than child-to-adult). The stormy teenage years When you are a teenager, life is hard enough without adding to it. Identity certainly becomes an issue. This is even truer if you’ve been adopted and especially cross-culturally. While other teenagers simply can not understand their parent’s “unfair” behaviour, adopted children tend to put the blame on the fact that they were adopted. They may feel that they are living in the house with strangers. This could also be the time that teenagers become obsessed with meeting their biological parents. Many courses and books are available for parents of teenagers. Parents are advised to make use of these resources. No studies, however, have been done in the South African context on how cross-cultural adoption affects children in their teens and no South African literature is available on how parents can prepare for and cope with their adopted teenager. Open communication and a willingness to share information on the early life of the child is important from an early age. Role models and friends from the same cultural background and friendships with multi-cultural families could certainly be very helpful. Difficult behaviour “When other children misbehave, they are just going through a stage, but when my child misbehaves, people say it is because he is adopted.” “Bernice met John for the first time when he was 6 months old. . Bernice was sharing a flat with someone who knew his mother. His mother is a prostitute He was malnourished and had cigarette burns on the soles of his feet. Bernice says she fell in love with the baby as she started to take over the care of him. ”And that was it.” She started making arrangements for placement. John is ten years old and still with Bernice in foster care. His biological mother has never shown any interest. For her, foster care has the advantage of a monthly government grant, which has helped a lot. She has got no doubts about the fact that she is his mother. It has not been easy for John and Bernice. As a hyperactive child, he struggled with his teachers at school. He also felt angry with Bernice and often, in loud arguments, would compare her with what he thought his biological mother was like. John started using medication for his hyper-activity and his behaviour improved drastically. Initially, Bernice, as a single parent, felt very isolated. She experienced little support from the organization that arranged John’s placement with her. She wishes that she had known at the time of a support group to join.” John has changed her life, but despite the difficulties Bernice says she would never want it differently. It is important to remember that all children go through good and bad patches - it is not necessarily because your child is adopted or because you are doing something wrong that he is showing difficult behaviour! It is also true that many of the children who are available for adoption, will have special needs. Most likely that is the reason why they are available for adoption; poor communities struggle to cope with children with special needs. Examples of difficult behaviour: Manipulative behaviour, inappropriate desire to please, lack of self-awareness (in children who are traumatised), hyperactivity and aggression, bed wetting, sleeping problems. Learning problems are often disguised as “being naughty” in class. Can you accept a child for who he is? Can you ask for professional help early? Do you realise that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a mature response to a problem? Have you got the finances for professional assistance? Legal Aspects of Adoption (According to the child care act of 1983) Organisations and individuals:
iKhaya LikaBaba Andra Hellberg-Phillips (031) 2018683 Adoptive Parents (They would be happy to talk to you!) Gillian + Johnathan: (031) 3125855(H) Shaun + Charlene: (031) 4656585 (H) Debbie: (031) 4655470 (H) Glynis and Keith: (031) 4666379 (H) Noxolo: (031) 4674395(H) Christian Social Services Suzette du Rand: (031) 7019988 Department Social Welfare Government Grants: (031) 3605111 Growing Families International Courses available: Preparation for Parenting Growing Kids God’s Way Preparation for the Toddler Years Reaching the Heart of your Teen Suzette du Rand (031) 7019988 or (031) 7029220 William Clarke Gardens (orphans and HIV + children): Sr. Dudu Mofokeng (031) 2071366 Books “Chosen Families” by Kay Marshall Strom, Publisher Pyranee Books, Zondervan publishing House (excellent Christian book on adoption, addresses many of the issues around adoption) “When the Womb is Empty” by Ray and Rebecca Larson, Publisher: Whitaker (an American couple’s experience of infertility and guide to adoption. Christian) ”The other Road to Parenthood” by Deborah Fouler, Publisher: Optima (British guide to adoption) ”Explaining Adoption” Published by British Agencies for Adoption and Fostering (Advice on how to talk to your child about adoption) “The Color of Water” by James McBride(True story. A black man’s tribute to his white mother.) “The Kindness of Strangers” by John Boswell, Publisher University of Chicago Press (detailed historical account on the practice of child abandonment throughout history)
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